A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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