he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
