No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
