two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
