On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When did angry sex become our thing?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
