No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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