meet me or not, i'm out of control
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
