I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
