I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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