Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Where is the hickey?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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