So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
