**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
