dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
