I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You're like the curious george of whores
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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