I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
