All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
