What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
