I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
