there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
