life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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