I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
