she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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