on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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