god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
