u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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