I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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