Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
