if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
