Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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