the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
