I think I died a long time ago.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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