My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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