dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
