I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
