Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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