My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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