You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
the liver wants what the liver wants
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
