if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
