***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I think I am morally bankrupt
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
