Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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