Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
