He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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