is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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