Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
