My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
