I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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