i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
