I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
