I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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