if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Randomize
