She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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