what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
