Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
