so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
