your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
