I just threw up on my dentist
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
